How To Pass Yourself Off Undetected

Ok, so you’ve decided to join Dawn Rescue and to help carry out our vital mission, bringing the love of our saviour to the stray souls of Soho and environs. Sooo, now comes the potentially difficult part- to slip in to your surroundings unnoticed.

1) The walk. To mince or not to mince? – Tough one, but you might want to decide against basing your physicality on John Inman (from 70s sitcom Are You Being Served?) accompanied by intermittent cries of “I’m free!” Please note; things have moved on, and many gay men no longer behave like this. Be more subtle. Also, (and perhaps somewhat surprisingly) many gay men often do not find such creatures sexy, often rather ironically preferring more manly types. So instead try and imagine you’re John Inman (or Gok Wan, Graham Norton, AA Gill, etc) but trying to pass yourself off as straight in, say, 1950s England. (Only without the period costume!) Hope that doesn’t sound too confusing?

2) Language. Pepper your speech with words like “fabulous” (no straight man ever uses this word). Never say you’re angry when “livid” will do. The younger generation nowadays largely eschew the practice of referring to each other as “she” and “her” (who’s been rattling her cage?, etc) but the revolting misuse of the word “tits”  (as in “ooh, I was dancing my tits off last night at G.A.Y!”)  persists, so use it!

3) Clothes- Whatever you wear, make sure its tight.

4) Cultural references. Gather a surface knowlege of musical theatre, Glee, Sex and the City, Madonna, Kylie, Beyonce, Lady Gaga, Barbra, Judy, etc… The obsession with “divas” is a puzzling one. Are they mother figures, or are they symptomatic of the perverse way they identify with women rather than men, or is it simply closeted heterosexual lust? Or all of the above? Whatever, I usually find that any suspicions  about me are allayed by uttering something simple along the lines of “ooh, I feel just like Rita Hayworth under these lights!” even though I have no idea who that actually it is or why lights would make someone feel this way.