Matthew’s Blog: The Light Continent

Dan and Linda Uganda pic

Have you been watching ‘Africa’ on the BBC? If you’re anything like me, you’ll have been glued to Attenborough’s latest on the goggle-box as the intrepid octogenarian travails the vast expanses of that mighty continent. (Of course one must always be on one’s guard with Sir David, always ready at a moment’s notice to stick one’s fingers in one’s ears and sing “la la la” whenever he starts spouting his atheist lies about “evolution.”)

Watching ‘Africa’ is also a good way of remaining close to Dan, who is currently, like Attenborough, beating a path through the tough African terrain, accompanied by his dearest mother Linda. (I imagine they both look great in explorer’s hats and khaki shorts!) However whilst Attenborough hobbles off in pursuit of cheetahs and shakes his walking stick at angry rhinos, Dan and Linda have rather more pressing matters at hand. They’re not there to frivolously admire the wildlife, but to educate the good Christians of the ‘Dark Continent’ (it’s actually quite sunny there, so I’m led to believe) as to the perils of ‘tolerating’ sexual perversion, ably assisted by a travelling slide-show of shocking images guaranteed to bring Mr Vomit rushing up the elevator and loitering with intent at the back of one’s throat.

Prior to leaving, Dan and Linda had spent many hours sat on the sofa in the front room of our flat with the laptop on Dan’s lap, trawling the info super-highway in search of the filthiest, most despicable images with which to refresh their dossier of depravity.

Unfortunately, Google Images seemed somewhat half-hearted with its suggestions, shyly offering up a few desultory offerings that Linda and Dan both felt didn’t quite have that ‘je ne sais quoi’ quality required to truly enrage pious Africans and get them hurriedly forming an orderly lynch mob outside the hut of the nearest ‘flamboyant’ villager.

Horrified African kids

I was happily leaving them to their dirty work as I sat on the sofa opposite, flicking through the latest issue of Empire magazine, so engrossed in some pics of Aaron Taylor Johnson on the set of Kick Ass 2 that at first I didn’t notice that both Erpinghams had diverted their attention from the computer screen and re-routed it in my direction. After a minute or so I began to feel the heat of their rays burning into me and as I looked up to answer their gaze my heart hit an iceberg and plummeted into the abyss. I knew at once that my services were to be enlisted.

Thus I was despatched to the nearest sin-pot to sniff out a suitable muse to assist in the tableaux. There was a likely looking lad perched at the bar as I walked in and I wasted no time in “chatting him up.” Although interested enough in me, he seemed in no hurry to escort me homewards, so with Dan impatiently texting me I whipped out the wallet and flashed a few twenties under the young chap’s nostrils, at which he hastily plonked his pint glass down on the counter and dutifully trooped out in my slipstream.

He seemed a little bemused when he arrived back at the flat to be greeted by both Dan and Linda setting up the camera on its tripod in the bathroom, but after a few more twenties were flashed in front of his nose he quit whimpering as I nudged him into the makeshift studio to begin our gruelling five hour ordeal. And here, dear reader, a curtain of discretion must descend upon proceedings. What we did, we did in the service of Dawn Rescue, and I won’t begin to describe any of the terrible images we conjured up on that long, long night, suffice to say they will remain forever etched into my mind however hard I might try to erase them, (and would doubtless remain forever etched in yours too, should you ever be unlucky enough to see them).  Eventually Linda declared “it’s a wrap, guys!” so that myself and the ‘rough trade’ could wipe ourselves clean and put our clothes back on. I had to stuff a few more twenties into the stunned hustler’s trembling hands to silence any lingering objections he might have, and then hurriedly marched him out the door so we could assess the results. And according to the latest email which has just slam-dunked into my inbox, those pictures have most definitely been having the desired effect on the good people of Uganda! (Next stop, Ethiopia!) Which is reassuring to know, don’t you think?

The things Muggins here does for Dawn Rescue!

One comment on “Matthew’s Blog: The Light Continent

  1. Bryony Ditty on said:

    Hi Matt, sorry to have to tell you this, but mum’s dead. We had the funeral yesterday. I know I should have told you but you’ve been such a shit, not responding to any of my comments when she was ill, and I thought you probably wouldn’t care anyway. But still. I should’ve told you, and I feel really crap. The funeral was held at the Bertrand Russell Guildford Atheist Centre, and as her coffin came in we all sang Bowie’s “Five Years,” as she had decreed, you know how much she loved Bowie, especially that song, just know she would’ve loved to have heard the whole hall singing about the end of the world and humanity dying, all of us belting out “five years, that’s all we got!” Then I read the Pinter poem “Death” (“Was the dead body dead when you found it?/How did you know the dead body was dead?” etc) oh how she loved Harold! And dad read the bit from her favourite book, 1984, when Winston and julia are in their secret room above the antique shop and the voice suddenly booms out “you are the dead!” I think she wanted everyone dwelling on their own mortality rather than just hers, she was so generous like that! Afterwards all these kids kept coming up to me in tears saying how cool she was, how she was the best English teacher they ever had. Dad’s in pieces, of course. Would love to meet up, Matt, if you can, maybe nows a good time seeing as your “boyfriend” is away in Africa. I don’t mind telling you i’ve been having a really stressful time of late, what with this almighty shit-storm at work over the Jimmy Saville Tweenie scandal (in case you hadn’t heard, we re-screened an episode of the Tweenies on cBeebies with one of them dresssed as the disgraced DJ and I’ve been getting it in the neck for not flagging it up before broadcast, but i’m the Equalities & Diversities Co-Ordinator, that’s not my turf, I’m here to ensure minorities are represented on Beebies, and if anything, as I tried to argue, “paedos are technically a minority” but that did NOT go down well AT ALL. Anyway, please call, could do with your support. All is forgiven. xxx

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